I was bathing and something just popped out in my head. 2013 is coming to an end in 2 hours and 55 minutes. Maybe telling someone will make me feel better but I don't know. I'll attempt to type out my life story (what happened after what Tricia said) to you. There are many times I want to tell you about it, but I guess I don't have the guts. It's hard to say because it's a painful memory but since I'm slightly better now, I'll try. You may know bits and pieces of it but oh well I'll just say it. It may hurt you or worry you or trigger you someway or another so I'll just apologise in advance. It's so hard to even start it hahaha -takes a deep breath- 

On 17 August 2011, Wednesday after our dance cca, Tricia and I went to 7 eleven to grab something before going home together (we took the same bus home). I took quite a long time deciding what I wanted and I chose a packet of Famous Amos cookies (I still cringe thinking about it now wow). She grabbed her cup noodles and walked towards me. "So fat already still eat" Those were her exact words. I didn't know five words can turn my life around. I just put it back and thought "Fine I won't eat that then" We walked to the bus stop and she said she was just kidding. I knew, I knew that she were clearly joking but I took her words too seriously. 

I remember once my mum brought me to pasar malam and bought fried swirled potato and fried chicken. I went home and I couldn't bring myself to eat. I ate a few mouths and instantly the guilt washed over me. I freaked out, it was fried and oily. I told Sheikha about it because back then we were so so close. 

There were two things that were on going (I don't even know if I should put present tense or past tense); depression and eating disorder, not medically diagnosed. 

I can't remember clearly, but my depression started before what happened, self harming too. But it got worse after what happened.  

I was depressed and busy starving myself. I was hungry, so so hungry but I couldn't eat. My weight dropped and dropped and dropped, not too low for people to notice what was wrong. I weighted myself, measured myself, looked my naked body in the mirror, counted calories, recorded it, binged, purged, abused laxatives, cut myself; I don't want to go on anymore, it's upsetting. There are so many voices in my head, horrible voices. It tells me to do this and do that, it's hard to hear my own voice. 

My world revolved around food and food and more food. I pushed everyone away; my family, friends and you too. I was too depressed to go school but I got no choice and had to force myself. My grades dropped, I gave up on amaths, you were there and saw how hopeless I was. I shut you up, I was in extreme bad mood, I raised my voice, I couldn't even have a proper conversation with you.  I still regret it till today. You didn't do anything wrong and I treated you like this. I'm sorry, really. It wasn't your fault, it was mine. Every tiny little things people said or did trigger me very badly. And I hold all the grudges in me. I'm sensitive toward this topic, too sensitive that I hate myself for it. 

At the end of 2011, Sheikha had some problems with her relationship. She had problems on her own and pushed me away too. She changed, you all may not realise but I did because I was too close to her. We stopped talking and rarely texted. I felt betrayed. I let her in and she just left me hanging. I couldn't hate her, I can't. My depression got way worse, way way worse. I was suicidal almost every other day. I think of death almost every night. It was hard, because I couldn't tell anyone expect Sheikha. But since she had problems on her own, I didn't want to bother her. I was at my lowest and darkest moment in life. 

At the beginning of 2012, remember I fell sick and didn't go to school twice? Due to lack of nutrition, I felt light headed everytime I stood up and went through hair loss. My hair dropped ridiculously fast, it was depressing. I blacked out twice because I was too lightheaded. I didn't want to black out during national anthem in school because I stood too long so I started eating. I don't know whether it was the best decision or worst, up till today. 

If you think that was the end of this ordeal, you're wrong. I started eating and eating. Eating became bingeing. I gained and gained and gained. I was unhappy of course. I binged, I purged, I took laxatives, I starved, I gave up and binged again, I purged and the whole cycle repeats. It was tiring. Almost every day I have to go through it. I hated myself even more, for allowing myself to lose control and eat. It was bad. Everything was bad. I was at least 80% sure I couldn't make it to olevel. I was sure I would have killed myself before it. I pushed myself and made it through. Are you proud of me? Because no one does. No one notice how much effort I put in to just stay alive every day. People around me are having problems with their relationships, but I have problems with myself. It's stupid and silly if you think about it but I didn't choose to be depressed. I didn't choose to be suicidal. I didn't choose to have an eating disorder (ed). I don't know how my parents failed to notice how broken her daughter was (is), maybe they knew but they were in self-denial. 

Around at the end of last year, I met an online friend on twitter. She has ed too and we become friends. It's good because at least there's someone that understands me because we have a common thing. She's anorexic though and I'm not sure about myself because I didn't see a doctor about it. I'm more of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). Disclaimer: I don't want to self-diagnosed myself so I'm not sure about anything. Even though I read about eating disorders almost everywhere; internet, books, social network. I know a lot about food even though I didn't take f&n. Maybe that was why I chose to take Food Science and Nutrtion because I knew quite a lot about it already. Then I realised it was a bad choice. I got triggered time to time during lectures and tutorials. I wanted to become a nutrtionist/dietician but how can I help others when I can't even help myself? 

Around May 2013, my online friend introduced me her other friend, I'll name her S. So S is bulimic and I'm more of that than anorexic. We clicked very very well. We got very close within less than a month. Surprisingly but it's true. We are both in tp too, that's a plus point for our friendship. A lot of things happen after she came but long story short, I'm better and choosing recovery because of her. There are still a lot of downs but at least I learn to pick myself up. There are still days where I want to end everything, there are still days where I deliberately starved myself, there are still days where I binged and purged, there are still days where I harmed myself but all well ends well. At least there's a glimpse of light in the dark tunnel. At least there's a float in a pool of sadness. At least there's a hand reaching out at the edge of the cliff. 

Thank you for reading this long ass post. It's just a summary of my life. How it turned around and turned back again. It's not the end but it's going to be better. I took at least two hours to type this omg, I hope it's not too upsetting for you.  I just feel the need to tell you because it seems like you know me even when I don't know myself. I think this is one of those rare moments I tell you things about my life. I know we rarely even talk about our problems but I decided to hand you the key to my world. Just within this post, you already know 75% of my life. Yes, depression and eating disorders take up a huge part of my life. Sorry it took me so long to open up to you but thank you for not insisting on knowing what happened to me. I love you bea, even when you no longer young and beautiful. I kid, you'll always be my little beloved bea and you're beautiful, everyone is.

Happy New Year's Eve bea, I hope New Year will be great for you x